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Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts

Funny Pool Jokes

Fun Activities for the Pool

- Scream as someone is jumping off of a diving board.

- Laugh at fat people in swimsuits.

- Tell people you saw the lifeguard peeing in the pool.

- Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed.

- Try to negotiate the price of getting in.

- Take a really long time when you are on top of the high dive and then act as though you were pushed off.

- When in line, ask strangers if they think invisible people get a discount.

- Take your towel, tie it around your shoulders and say “Wheee! I’m Batman!” while running around.

- Hit strangers with your wet towel.

- Throw people’s things into the pool.

- Sing and dance on top of the diving board, then do a belly-flop as your grand-finale.

- Play Marco-Polo by yourself.

- Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately.

Failing maths !

A ten-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail.
Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. They had their hesitation putting
their Jewish son in a private Catholic school, but thought his education came first.
After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined
expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door.
For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long
enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies
until bedtime.
This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened, laid it on the
dinner table and went straight to his room.
Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red 'A' under the subject of Math.
Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.
"Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked.
The boy shook his head and said "No."
"Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"
"No."
"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"
"No", said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they were
serious!"

Joke: Husband reading book and fondling his wife

A married couple is lying in bed one night.
The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book.
As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits.
He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.
The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, gets up and starts stripping in front of him.
The husband is confused and asks, Why are you taking off your clothes?
His wife replies, You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay.
The husband says, No, not at all.
His wife asks angrily, Well, what the hell were you doing then?
I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.

Joke: The Top 5 Gay Star Trek Quotes

5. "Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a police officer! Besides, the Village People already HAVE a cop!"
4. "All right, who's been running the gladiator program on the holodeck again?"
3. "Orion slave girl, Orion slave guy -- who cares? I'm getting me some green ass!"
2. "Sorry, ensign -- I didn't mean to go quite so boldly."
and the Number 1 Gay "Star Trek" Quote...
1. "Impressive, gentlemen, but that's not what I meant when I said I needed to see Bones."

Joke: Italian French and Aussie guy talking about sex

The Italian says, “When I’ve a finisheda makina da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her kneesa, she floatsa 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy”.
The Frenchman replies, “Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy”.
The Aussie says, “Mate, that’s nothing. When I’ve finished shaggin me sheila, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe me dick on the curtains. And MATE ….. She hits the fucking roof. GO THE AUSSIES

Joke: Three priests and sexy woman

Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to Pittsburgh.
Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight, skimpy sweater.
She made the three priests very nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.
The first priest approached the window. "Young lady, I would like three pickets to titsburg." He completely lost his composure and fled.
The second priest goes to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes."
Mortified, he too fled.
"Morons...." the third priest mutters and moves to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his Peter at you."
They took the bus.

Joke: Teacher playing name that animal in class

A teacher playing a game of name that animal with her class.
Eddie's first-grade class was having a game of Name That Animal.
The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"
"A cat!" said Suzy.
"Good job! Now, what's this animal?"
"A dog!" said Ricky.
"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.
The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."
"A horny bastard!" called out Eddie

joke: Why Mahendra Singh Dhoni has no girlfriends

Question. Why Mahendra Singh Dhoni has no girlfriends?

Answer. Kyunki Sabko pata hai ki woh roz 2 litre doodh pita hai, ab kaun si ladki itna risk legi!!!

Joke: My Private Part Died Today

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Wallace, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace, please accept my condolences."
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.
Mr. Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."
But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Wallace, "I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."
"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is is hanging out of your pajamas?"

Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing."

Joke: Why bicycles are better than Women...


Bicycles don't get pregnant.

You can ride your Bicycle any time of the month.

Bicycles don't have parents.

Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.

You can share your Bicycle with your friends.

Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you've ridden.

When riding, you and your Bicycle can arrive at the same time.

Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you have.

Bicycles don't care if you look at other Bicycles.

Bicycles don't care if you buy Bicycle magazines.

You'll never hear, "Surprise, you are going to own a new Bicycle" unless you go out to buy one yourself.

If your Bicycle goes flat you can fix it.

If your Bicycle is too loose you can tighten it.

If your Bicycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it.

You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your Bicycle.

If you say bad things to your Bicycle, you don't have to apologize before you ride it again.

You can ride your Bicycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.

You can stop riding your Bicycle as soon as you want and it won't get frustrated.

Your parents won't remain in touch with your old bicycle after you dump it.

Bicycles don't get headaches.

Bicycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider.

Your Bicycle never wants a night out with the other Bicycles.

Bicycles don't care if you're late.

You don't have to take a shower before you ride your bicycle.

If your Bicycle doesn't look good you can paint it or get better parts.

You can ride your Bicycle the first time you meet it, without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.

The only protection you have to wear when riding your Bicycle is a decent helmet.

When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had the last time you were on your Bicycle.

Joke: Couple having sex in the middle of a dark forest

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

Joke: Three sisters at home with their hubbies

Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies. That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep.
When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.
The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, "Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream."
"That's true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?"
The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh."
"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"
The youngest daughter replied "Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."

Ek ladki @ railway station

Waiting for 1/2 hr... gets bored

coin nikala, coin weighing machine mein dala...



58 Kgs

____________



coin nikala

Sandal utari, side mein rakhkhi

coin weighing machine mein dala....



56 Kgs

____________



coin nikala

Jacket utara, side mein rakhkha

coin weighing machine mein dala....



53 Kgs

____________



coin nikala

Dupatta utara, side mein rakhkha

coin weighing machine mein dala....



52 Kgs

____________



Coin khatam!

____________





Side mein baitha bhikari bola...





"Tu chalu rakh.. Coin main deta hu"

It can happen only in Bollywood Movies

Please accept my apologies if this is a re-post...

Baghban: Amitabh Bachchan and Hema Malini are separated right after Holi (remember Amitabh singing Holi khele Raghubeera?). They are said to be separated for six months, ie from March to September. Within that six-month period, they celebrate Valentine's Day, which falls on February 14, and karva chauth, which is usually observed in October. There is no way these two occasions could come between March and September!

Lagaan: Lagaan was shot in the late 19th century. At the time, an over in cricket used to consist of 8 balls. But in this movie, an over has 6 balls. Maybe modern cricket learnt from the movie.

Amar Akbar Anthony: Three men donate blood at the same time to the same person.

Awwal Number: Dev Anand is an omnipotent genius -- former cricketer,captain, army chief, commissioner, you name it. And Aamir Khan carries a huge transistor in his pocket while batting!

Khalnayak: The police tracks the villain from an MS Word Document screen! (something that office team will be interested in)

Pyar To Hona Hi Tha: Kajol gets off the train to use the public toilet at the railway station and the train chugs off without her. Poor girl,little did she know that every train compartment has four toilets inside.

Raja Hindustani: Navneet Nishan has short hair before marriage. After tying the knot, she acquires waist-length hair overnight. What a hair-raising experience!

Raja: Dilip Tahil empties a can of petrol over Madhuri Dixit. Minutes later, Sanjay Kapoor takes the same can and pours it over Dilip Tahil. That's what I call an autofill!

Guddu: Manisha Koirala and Shah Rukh Khan are seen hanging on a parachute during a song. But when the song ends, they land on a glider. What a switch above sea level!

Tere Mere Sapne: Priya Gill is doing her BA. But at the bus stop, she is carrying an electrical technology thesis by B L Theraja. What an electrifying interest!

1st Date

"Suzy wants to go out to my car. She's really hot," one boy said. "I'm really nervous. I know I'll goof up!"

"Take it easy," his friend assured him. "All you gotta do is compliment her. Chicks love to be complimented. You'll have her in the palm of your hand."

About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black eye.

"~love~, man! What happened to you?!" his buddy asked.

"I took your advice."

"Didn't you compliment her?"

"Sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that for such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that. After a while I started feeling her tits, and I told her that for such large breasts they sure were firm. She like that too."

"It sounds like you were doing great," his friend said.

"Well," the other answered, "that's when everything went wrong. I got her dress up and her panties off, and I tried to think of another compliment."

"What did you say?"

"For such a large crack, it doesn't stink much."

The 3 Conditions !

The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him.

Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her, don't reject the guy outright.So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.

After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara."

The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem! I have. I have."

Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."

The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."

Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis."

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."

20 Dollors !

Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.

He says "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me".

His friend says "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill".

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.

"You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, my God you're disgusting."

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He'd obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn't hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket."

She looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is forty dollars".

"Ah, yes." says the man. "He pee'd in my trousers too".

The Disobedient

Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Pearly Gate Saint Peter was waiting for him. After reviewing his records Saint Peter decided to let him in. "Follow me." he said, opening the gate and walking in.

After some walk, Saint Peter's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing.

Saint Peter was furious. "If you do that again, you'll go straight to hell! Follow me, we're almost there."

After some more Peter dropped his keys again, and again,the gay man jumped on him. Saint Peter was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.

Again they walk and for the third time Peter drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him. Peter is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.

A few weeks later, Saint Peter goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass off.

"Why is it so god damn cold down here?" Peter asks.

"Well, you just try bending down for firewood!!" The devil replied.

The Engineer!!!

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over,
picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and
said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will
stay with you for one
week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and
returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and
turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do
ANYTHING you want." Again, the engineer took the
frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog
asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and
that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't
you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an
engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now
that's cool."

Engineer Discussion!!

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just
look at all the joints. "Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer.
The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections. " The
last one said, "No,
actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic
waste pipeline through a recreational area?"


The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate
with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an
accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts
degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"