Funny Pool Jokes

Fun Activities for the Pool

- Scream as someone is jumping off of a diving board.

- Laugh at fat people in swimsuits.

- Tell people you saw the lifeguard peeing in the pool.

- Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed.

- Try to negotiate the price of getting in.

- Take a really long time when you are on top of the high dive and then act as though you were pushed off.

- When in line, ask strangers if they think invisible people get a discount.

- Take your towel, tie it around your shoulders and say “Wheee! I’m Batman!” while running around.

- Hit strangers with your wet towel.

- Throw people’s things into the pool.

- Sing and dance on top of the diving board, then do a belly-flop as your grand-finale.

- Play Marco-Polo by yourself.

- Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately.

The Ten Most Dangerous Things Users Do Online !!!

1. Clicking on email attachments from unknown senders

2. Installing unauthorized applications

3. Turning off or disabling automated security tools

4. Opening HTML or plain-text messages from unknown senders

5. Surfing gambling, porn, or other legally-risky Websites

6. Giving out passwords, tokens, or smart cards

7. Page 8: Random surfing of unknown, untrusted Websites

8. Attaching to an unknown, untrustworthy WiFi network

9. Filling out Web scripts, forms, or registration pages

10. Participating in chat rooms or social networking sites

Failing maths !

A ten-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail.
Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. They had their hesitation putting
their Jewish son in a private Catholic school, but thought his education came first.
After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined
expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door.
For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long
enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies
until bedtime.
This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened, laid it on the
dinner table and went straight to his room.
Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red 'A' under the subject of Math.
Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.
"Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked.
The boy shook his head and said "No."
"Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"
"No."
"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"
"No", said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they were
serious!"

---

Never ! PUT Your PICTURE on The NET ! Never !

Mind blowing question

An Indian and an American are seated next to each other on a flight from
Los Angeles to New York. The American asks if he would
like to play a fun-game.
The Indian, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and
rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The American persists and explains that the game is easy
and a lot of fun.
He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you
pay
me $5, and vice versa."
Again, the Indian declines and tries to get some sleep.
The American, now worked up, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer,
you
pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500."
This gets the Indian's attention and, figuring there will be no end to
this
torment, agrees to the game.
The American asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth
to the moon?"
The Indian doesn't say a word, reaches into his wallet, pulls out a $5 bill
and hands it to the American.
"Okay," says the American, "Your turn."
So the Indian asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down
with four legs?"
The American thinks about it. No answer.
Puzzled, he takes out his laptop computer and searches
all his references. No answer!
He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches
the Internet and the Library of Congress. No answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and
co-workers.
Checks the input. All to no avail!
Finally, a long time later, he wakes the Indian and hands him $500.
The Indian thanks him and turns back to get his sleep.
The American, more than a little miffed, stirs the Indian and asks,

"Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the Indian reaches into his purse, hands the American
$5, and goes back to sleep!

Something About Dreams!!!

Did You Know?


• One third of our lives are spent sleeping.

• In your lifetime you will spend about six years of it dreaming. That is more than 2100 days spent in a different world.

• Everybody dreams. Just because you don’t remember your dreams it does not mean that you didn’t dream.

• We dream an average of one or two hours every night and we often have four to seven dreams in one night.

• Five minutes after the end of a dream, half the content is forgotten. After ten minutes, 99 percent is lost.

• If you are snoring then you cannot be dreaming.

• The word dream stems from the middle English word, ‘dreme’ which means joy and music.

• Men tend to dream more about other men, while women dream equally about men and women.

• People who give up smoking have longer and more intense dreams.

• Toddlers do not dream about themselves. They don’t appear in their own dreams until the age of four.

---

Joke: Husband reading book and fondling his wife

A married couple is lying in bed one night.
The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book.
As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits.
He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.
The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, gets up and starts stripping in front of him.
The husband is confused and asks, Why are you taking off your clothes?
His wife replies, You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay.
The husband says, No, not at all.
His wife asks angrily, Well, what the hell were you doing then?
I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.

---

Joke: The Top 5 Gay Star Trek Quotes

5. "Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a police officer! Besides, the Village People already HAVE a cop!"
4. "All right, who's been running the gladiator program on the holodeck again?"
3. "Orion slave girl, Orion slave guy -- who cares? I'm getting me some green ass!"
2. "Sorry, ensign -- I didn't mean to go quite so boldly."
and the Number 1 Gay "Star Trek" Quote...
1. "Impressive, gentlemen, but that's not what I meant when I said I needed to see Bones."

Joke: Italian French and Aussie guy talking about sex

The Italian says, “When I’ve a finisheda makina da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her kneesa, she floatsa 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy”.
The Frenchman replies, “Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy”.
The Aussie says, “Mate, that’s nothing. When I’ve finished shaggin me sheila, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe me dick on the curtains. And MATE ….. She hits the fucking roof. GO THE AUSSIES

---

Joke: Three priests and sexy woman

Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to Pittsburgh.
Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight, skimpy sweater.
She made the three priests very nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.
The first priest approached the window. "Young lady, I would like three pickets to titsburg." He completely lost his composure and fled.
The second priest goes to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes."
Mortified, he too fled.
"Morons...." the third priest mutters and moves to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his Peter at you."
They took the bus.